For many years my mother and her younger half-siblings had known that their mother, Janet, claimed to have had a son and gave him up for adoption. They only knew that he was born in Oct 1940, in Dade County Florida and according to Janet, he might not have lived as he was born prematurely.

She would not, or could not, tell anymore and in fact, had asked that she not be asked about it anymore. Janet passed away in 2001 so there the questions remained unanswered. My mother passed just 6 months later.

Her brothers tried to find out information, but without specifics or any real concrete information, or cooperation from Janet, there was not much that could be done.

This is what we knew.

In 1938 Janet had lost her father on the 21st of Nov and then her oldest son Buddy, who was 2yrs 11 mos old, died on the 24th. My mother Shelia was just 16 months old. Janet and her mom’s father Howard did not do well with the death of their young son and other problems and had separated. In April of 1940, Janet and my mother were living in Washington DC with her mother and 6 siblings. This I found out when the 1940 US Federal Census was released.

It should be noted, I have not been able to find any divorce records for Janet and Howard.

That same census told me that Howard was in Wisconsin, as an inmate in a local jail. The one person I was able to speak with said it was a local jail, and he could have been there for being drunk & disorderly, gambling or any number of petty circumstances. Since Howard did like the drink, I figured that made sense. He also said I would have to go to the state archives to find out more information. So that is another story to discover.

Back to Janet. At some point while in DC, Janet met a man named Roy and they began a relationship. Given that she was likely still married to Howard her pregnancy must have been a surprise to her mother. We think that she was either too embarrassed to stay at home with her mother, or perhaps Ellen asked her to leave, whatever the situation was, Janet left by summer, leaving my mother to be raised by her grandmother Ellen and Janet’s siblings.

At some point, at least by Oct, Janet was in Florida, and we know that she and Roy got together a few months later. We still do not know much about that part of the story, may never know.

The story is that she told Howard she had a baby boy and named him William and she told Roy and her mother she had a baby boy and named him Robert Roy. Both men were told the child was given up for adoption. Janet went on to remain with Roy and eventually had four children with him. Doug, Bruce, Alex, and Ellen. Though they remained with Janet and Roy, it was not what you would call a good childhood for any of them. My mother continued to live with her Grandmother and was raised like a sister with her Aunts and Uncles, who were just a couple of years older than herself.

Fast forward to a few months ago.

Several years ago I had my DNA tested through Ancestry.com and every couple of weeks I check to see what new matches I might have. I was stunned when a very close match showed up with the name Robert. (Last names are being omitted for privacy). I contacted the person and with just three short messages between us, I discovered that he was born in October of 1940 in Dade County and he was adopted!!

I almost fell out of my chair and was so excited, it was like Christmas, my birthday and July 4th all wrapped up. I was stunned, as was he. I told him a little about what we knew and that we were thrilled to have found him. I gave him my contact information and waited for his next message.

While I waited for his next response, I contacted the three remaining siblings and told them…same blessed reaction. And at one point I exclaimed to my Aunt Ellen, “Janet told a truth!”

Throughout our lives, we all knew that many of the stories Janet told to people were somewhat embellished, made up or maybe a bit of both. She was not known for being honest, open or even really as a communicative person. She was like an onion, with many layers and I am not convinced that anyone ever really knew her well.

As we waited to hear from Robert again, hoping that he would want to talk with me or at least his siblings, time was flying by and nothing. No response to several messages and I gave up. I thought, well he has my contact info through the website and I gave him my email and phone numbers, so I thought I would just wait.

But one of his brothers could not. Using the power of Google, he was able to find a phone number for him and made the cold call. Doug was so happy to talk to him and found out so many similarities! All the boys loved cars, building, racing, collecting, owning shops, whatever. He had a good childhood and was happy. It was so exciting to hear Doug tell me about the conversations. He was supposed to meet Robert and set a time to call back to arrange the date.

Then it went wrong.

After a couple of attempts to meet up, on the last call Robert told Doug that he had changed his mind, he has a brother and does not need any more siblings, does not want to meet and then hung up on him.

HUNG. UP. ON. HIM.

Doug called his other brother Bruce and told him, and then called me. I was crushed and admit that I called him a rather rude name. The disappointment after all these years of dreaming of finding the long lost brother, of connecting with another family member was too much for me, but for my Uncles and Aunt, I was heartbroken.

I do not know what he looks like, is he more like Doug or Bruce? Does he look anything like my mom? Does he like sports like she did?

I was angry. I was disappointed. I am frustrated. But I am also learning about patience.

I think, perhaps that Robert after finding out more about the family, perhaps has a bit of guilt that he was the lucky one. I have heard about this from other adoptees. He was adopted into a loving family and had a good life. His siblings had a harder time. Perhaps he is overwhelmed and does not understand his feelings?

Whatever it is. I am not writing him off. Yes, he is aging and there is not much time left to get to know him. But I am going to have faith, that God would not place him in our path, to finally know who he is and where he is, only to have that opportunity taken away.

Prayer,

Patience,

and the power of family and my mother in heaven is not to be underestimated,

and maybe he will change his mind

but at the very least, I have an Uncle Robert, and I am very glad that the art & science of DNA matched us!